When Enough is Enough

Today, I renewed my vows, promises made to myself that serve as reminders of who I am and what I’m made of. I awoke with a sense that such a renewal was necessary much less as a defense mechanism and much more a truth that has guided me through the darkest times imaginable.

I will not contribute to game play.

Warriorship is a serious business. While those of us who engage in such activity can engage in play of all kinds, when it comes to our battles we become steeled to the task at hand.

Most of those we encounter are prone to frivolous games played often as a diversion to that task. They create obstacles, make walls, and find nonsense to scatter around the fields of life just to continue the drama of their past.

I won’t engage for long. I have this finite bag of time left to enjoy this life, and I can’t waste it on nonsense not of my own making. There are battles to fight and fun to be had. I’d rather leave the games to others who wish to be like a hamster on a wheel, running hard without actually getting anywhere.

I will not belittle myself or my character.

Let’s be honest. Real gains are not made easily. There must be sweat, blood, and tears spilled for a sapling to become a tree. Honestly, I’ve walked far and long to get where I am in this life and have left bits of my emotional, spiritual and physical flesh in many spots along the way. What is left is a black and white armor of shear badassery. It may get scratched. It may even get dented. But it is made of a resilience tested much over time.

So once more I embraced the lessons of life before the Sun rose, caressing again a character hewn over time. The code within me spoke, and thus came the necessary moment of remembering. The bullshit must end. The fear must be driving back to the darkness. It is time to rise, and again kick the liar’s ass back to whence it came.

Aloneness is not loneliness.

I adore my aloneness. There, the demons and the fear and the bastards of memory come to taunt me. Yet it’s not them I pay attention to. It’s my reaction to them. Am I the coward in this moment or the hero? Am I strong enough to rise or will I pathetically shrink from the challenge those bastards have offered?

Come see. Victory is not always mine, but usually I leave the arena with my hands raised and the victor’s chalice upon my lips.

I am not lonely. Ever. Never have been. In fact, I’ve often felt far more comfortable without dealing with the games most people play. I find the straightforwardness I offer comforts me, especially when I am being straightforward with me. I just wish others could be so honest.

After all, if I can’t tell myself the truth I will likely live a lie to everyone else. Fuck, I can’t imagine a more painful existence.

Time to move on. There is much to do today.